Thursday, December 16, 2010

Miracle of Healing

I had an MRI last week to take a look at the chest wall before seeing my breast surgeon next week.  I don't think about a cancer recurrence much in my daily life.  I believe I am healed and go about my business.

But I have known for a year that I would need to have this MRI right now - I see this doctor once a year and she wanted the pictures before my upcoming annual appointment.  Little did I know how much the anxiety of this test was roiling under the surface, even though I wasn't consciously aware of it!  Last week, it suddenly dawned on me, how much anxiety was right there all year that I had not acknowledged - it seemed so obvious all of the sudden and explained some of my bad habits this year (like eating too much).

I am not sure why this kind of denial was so important to me.  Maybe it's because I fear that thinking about a recurrence is to doubt my faith.  Maybe I just don't want to give cancer more of my thoughts and energy than it has already consumed.  Maybe it's just a survival tactic because I can't function as well if I am constantly living in fear.  Maybe it helps me focus on things that I can do and that I can control.

But the irony is of course, that the more I deny anxiety and fear, the more control it exercises over my actions and my life.  I am wondering today about how to live out some of the benefits I need without the unhealthy, unacknowledged anxieties underneath.  How do I live in the tension of consciously dealing with the fear and anxiety without giving it too much attention and energy?

This is still a challenge for me as I continue to progress to the significant 5-year survivor mark.  This month marks 3 years since my initial surgery.  I am overjoyed to say that the MRI results came back normal!

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