Really Big God-Sighting

God showed up in an amazing way on Tuesday. I received a call from a social worker at the hospital down the street; she had a patient who fell while working his tree-trimming business.  He was in a wheel chair and needed to move to a rehabilitation center.  Sounded simple enough.  The problem was that they were out of money and did not have the gas to drive an accessible van four hours away to the center that could take him.  They had received some gas help, but needed more to make it there and back.

I am completely out of discretionary money for the year, but I wanted to help (I have a soft spot for tree surgeons because my brother is one).  I thought I could just take the money out of my own pocket; I told the social worker I wasn’t able to get the gas card until the later afternoon, but that I would bring it to the hospital by 4 pm.

I was making one more call from the office before I left to get the gas card.  I was checking in on a deeply spiritual member (I’ll call her Jane) and also conferring with her about a small blurb for the newsletter.  While I was talking with Jane on my cell phone, the church phone rang.  Everyone else had left the office, so I put down my blue tooth and answered the phone.  It was the wife of the gentleman from the hospital who needed the gas card.  I told her that I could get the card for a QT which they thought would be easiest to find, that I would do it soon and drop it off, and that no, I had not figured out how much it would be, yet.  Then I hung up and went back to my conversation with Jane.  This is what she said to me:

Pastor Linda, I couldn’t help but overhear that conversation and I have a $25 QT gas card in my purse!  I get them from work sometimes, but I don’t need it, so I was looking for someone to give it to.  I’ll go over and meet this family and pray with them and bring them this gas card.  Do you have a suggestion for a Scripture I could use?

We were both bowled over, because she had been home from work for a personal day and felt that this opportunity was an answer to her prayers!  We talked about reading Psalm 121 and off she went, living out missional church in her personal life.  Later that evening, we talked again and Jane emphasized that this kind of ministry is something she can do.  She offered to assist me with these kinds of visits and needs.  I was wowed again; I do need help, but it hadn’t occurred to me to ask.  Sometimes I think and behave as if this ministry is all up to me, but God keeps reminding me in big ways that it is not.  We do this ministry in a community of many and diverse gifts.

Photo: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos

Surviving Puberty after Cancer

Daughter just turned 12 – the third and last of our fall birthdays.  After school one recent afternoon, she was sitting on the couch reading her first Seventeen magazine, ordered through a recent school fundraiser.  I was picking up the house, cleaning the kitchen and generally organizing for the evening when I noticed she became very agitated and restless.  Soon Daughter started firing questions at me like, “Why do you give us those stupid frozen vegetables instead of fresh ones?” and “How come I get applesauce in my lunch instead of fresh fruit?  I hate grapes, why can’t we get something else?”

 I found this a bit strange coming from a girl whose primary food group is ice cream.

Silly me, I tried to answer her questions with reasonable answers, explaining that when we’re out of fresh vegetables, frozen ones hold the most nutrients, and so on.  She was not impressed.  She became more agitated and unsatisfied, looking as if she just realized that everything in her life is WRONG.

Finally she blurted out, “This magazine says that you can reduce your risk of breast cancer by exercising regularly between the ages of 12 and 24.  I told you I wanted to do volleyball and why won’t you go out everyday with me to roller skate after school?”

Finally, we were getting somewhere.  I stopped trying to answer her questions and sat down on the couch next to her.  I asked gently, “Are you feeling afraid that you will get breast cancer?” 

Daughter glared at me through her bangs, “Yes!”  And with a little more defiance in her voice, she added “and it’s all your fault!”

Indeed.  I cannot argue with pubescent, capricious reasoning.  Neither can I wrap my head around what it must feel like to be a pre-menstrual developing girl, newly growing what your mom recently had cut off.  How does one blossom into womanhood with confidence and self-acceptance when it feels like you’re growing a couple of ticking time bombs? 

I do know what it’s like, however, to be the mom of such a girl.  Most days it feels like I am flunking.  I try to walk the thin line between honesty and hope, between past events and future possibilities, between living healthily and letting go of haunting anxiety.  This is a tall order for a grown woman, much less a young girl with a rapidly changing body. 

I know that this is beyond me; I cannot fix or control her experience.  I do try to embrace that the real gift is that I am here—I am here to grow through this with her.  I pray that in the long run, this will make all the difference.

Sweet 16

This week, Son#1 turned 16 and earned his driver’s license.  I have known this was coming; we even bought a third car so he can help us with errands in addition to driving himself to school.  Because we planned for this and in many ways looked forward to it, I did not think I would be upset by this life transition.  Not so surprisingly, I wrong.

I am usually out of sorts in September before all three of our children have their birthdays within a span of 2 weeks.  A new school year has begun, they are moving forward in their lives, and time has brought us to this moment before I am ready or feel old enough to be here.  I want to shout at the passage of time which makes all of my kids closer to moving away from home. 

So, this year was harder than usual.  I had a good cry during my devotions on the morning of Son#1’s birthday, and realized how so many things changed on that day.  I am afraid for his safety on the road and my inability to protect him. I am sad that as he grows older, he needs me less often and for fewer things.  I am worried that I just won’t see him enough and that I have now lost the time we used to have in the car.  I am called to be a different kind of mom. 

I would love to have a family “blessing of the keys” to mark this transition, but I need this and Son#1 does not.  I will take my cues from him and bless the keys in the quiet of the morning before he rises and drives away. 

Answered Prayer or All You Need is Love

Earlier this month I was pondering a relationship in which I was getting frustrated.  I didn't want to be angry and needed a new way to talk about a few things without discomfort or tension.  In the shower one morning, I prayed and prayed, asking for help and guidance in what to say and do.

A few minutes later, I was busy putting on my makeup.  The clasp on my compact is broken, so I have a rubber band holding it together.  I took off the rubber band and threw it on the towel I had lining the counter while I quickly proceeded with my morning transformation.  When I was done, I looked down to pick up the rubber band and was stunned at what I saw.  The rubber band fell in the shape of a perfect heart.  Not a lopsided heart, not a broken heart, not an imagined heart - one that if you turn your head a certain way and squint your eyes, it might look like a heart - but a perfect heart with a small circle for the indent at the top.

I stared at it for a moment and began to realize it was the answer to my prayer!  All this person needs is LOVE.  When I love them and focus on that, all other things will work out in time.  A sense of peace flooded over me.  I can make things so complicated sometimes when the answer is pure and simple.  Then I grabbed the camera.

I followed this message of love in my next conversation with the individual I had prayed about.  Of course the interactions with this person improved.  Later on, when I was feeling down and frustrated about myself, I thought about the rubber band heart.  The message was for me also.  When I generated loving thoughts toward myself, I immediately began to feel peaceful.  The Beatles were right, all you need is love (and open eyes to see answered prayer).

God Moments

I can see that God is up to something at the congregation I serve.  New energy and movement in our community mission and outreach pumps through some of our projects, people actually see the Holy Spirit at work, and some new people are visiting and joining.

As a response to these happenings, I have changed my morning prayer to something like this:  God, I can tell you are up to something - How can I help what your doing?  How can I get out of the way, so I don't hinder what you are doing?  Please us me to serve you today.


This helps me pay better attention to what is going on around me and in my interactions, pulling me out of my own head and my never-ending to-do list.  When I am focused on my agenda and tasks, I can blow right by the God-moments that are there for me and for others.  I can't sit and wait for them, of course.  It's a mental trapeze act for me - pay attention and work; be present and productive.

One day last week, I was in my office late in the afternoon- a time I am not normally there; I was hoping to get some things done when no one else was around.  I barely got started when someone stopped by.  At first I was a little annoyed because my plan was not working out; however, as we sat and talked I slowly caught on.  Deep conversation, prayer and encouragement took place that was a blessing to us both.  When this person left, it became even more clear to me why I felt compelled to be at the office at a time outside my normal schedule.  It was a God-moment.  This week I hope to pay attention to more of them.

I Love NY

I am still reflecting on the healing nature of this summer and marveling at the fact that I feel better and more myself than I have in over 3 years--well before I was diagnosed.  I have more energy, I am finally feeling results from regular exercise, I am more content with a deeper sense of inner peace.  Some things that used to rattle me, make me mad or defensive no longer have such a grip on me; I am more centered in myself and clear about my opinions, wants and needs; and I feel more emboldened in sharing them when appropriate.  It seems that God has worked no less than a miracle in my life.

I remember a week after returning from vacation, I couldn't remember anything, I couldn't track what I was supposed to be doing, I couldn't remember the date or where we were in the month.  The next week, I felt like a new person---like God had spent a week re-wiring my brain for a new stage or chapter in my life.  It sounds rather corny, but this is what I experienced.

Part of the healing came about in our near-perfect two week vacation.  It was one of those magical times as a family where things went well, everyone got along (for the most part!), and we all enjoyed what we were doing.  If there was a day that wasn't our personal favorite, there was something the next day to look forward to that kept us going and moving together.

We drove to Manhattan via Detroit (saw friends from the first congregation I served 20 years ago), Niagara Falls (riding the Maid of the Mist was an awesome and favorite experience!), the Baseball Museum and Hall of Fame (we all loved it!), a friends' lamb farm (we held triplet lambs!), and Ridgewood, NJ where Dan grew up (the kids think he had a better childhood than they're having!).  We took in all the usual sites in NY with the special treat of getting together with our friends Paul and Eric, and seeing Kelsey Grammar star in Las Cage Aux Folles on Broadway.  We spent a couple of days at the Jersey Shore and took in the NJ Six Flags Great America where we got to ride the Kingda Ka- the tallest fastest roller coaster in the world.  There's nothing like going 128 mph within 3.5 seconds to shake out whatever ails you.  I felt like I was in a cartoon with my cheeks and eyelids flapping in the wind.

This whole vacation experience released us to feel that life is good again; we affirmed that we have much for which to give thanks.  We were drawn out of ourselves and looked out at the world with new eyes, seeing opportunities everywhere to celebrate, learn, grow and move forward.  We started to get past the rut of letting misery and hardship define us.

I never thought of vacation in this way before.  But doing something completely new opens the way for the Spirit to work on us and in us for wholeness and peace - in our children and in us.

A Healing Summer

My children went back to school last week; my “blog vacation” has come to a conclusion, so here I am!

My family and I have had the most amazing summer. Now at the end of it, I feel as if God has lifted a burden from me I didn’t know I was carrying. As a family, we were able to close the chapter on “The Terrible Awful” of the past three years and gained a fresh start. If you know the story, skip to the next paragraph. J We have been through the serious illness and death of both of Dan’s parents, my breast cancer diagnosis and a 9-month disability period for treatment, a $10,000 tax bill and equal fees in medical costs, my mother’s chronic illness (she is still steppin’!) and a host of other health issues like sprained ankles, joint and muscle strains, physical therapies and a severe concussion to name a few.

By the grace of God, we are still standing, functioning, glad to be alive and grateful to God for seeing us through. We are stronger emotionally and physically and we are humbled and filled with awe at the help, support and prayers that have carried us along the journey.

Our spiritual transformation this summer began by going to Ghost Ranch, a Presbyterian camp and conference center in the high, red-rock desert of northern New Mexico (http://www.ghostranch.org/). It’s a rejuvenating place with Continuing Education classes for Dan and me, camp and service corps for the kids, hiking, worship, swimming, horse-back riding, community-life and resting in a beautiful, spiritually-infused setting. We have been to Ghost Ranch several times, so much so that it’s like our kids’ second home. But our last visit prior to this year was the summer before all of “The Terrible Awful” started three years ago.

Being at Ghost Ranch again was like a salve to our souls. We felt a completeness, a symmetry, a spiritual order for our lives fall into place. Being renewed at Ghost Ranch gave me fresh eyes to see that we could start a new season, a new chapter of our life with our faces forward, filled with hope.

The class I took at Ghost Ranch was a significant part of this healing for me. Called Pages in Our Book of Life, From Our Biblical Ancestors to Our Descendants, we explored the women of the Hebrew Scriptures (Old Testament). We learned the archetypes these Biblical women can represent for us, identified these characteristics in our own foremothers and in ourselves, and reflected on how to pass on to our children these spiritual discoveries. This class was co-led by Rabbi Paula Winnig, who added yarn, spinning and fabric arts to our conversation and experience, and Judaic Artist, Sara Novenson. Please go to http://www.novenson.com/ to see her amazing paintings of NM landscapes and Biblical women.

Learning from and experiencing so many dimensions – more than I have ever encountered in any other class – contributed to the deep healing effect this class had on me. We studied the Bible, we listened to music and read poetry about the women we studied, we explored the artistic process Sara went through to create her paintings and the archetypes she discovered, we wrote prose and poetry, and we painted our own stories or experiences. Visit Sara’s blog at http://novenson.wordpress.com/ which describes our class, shows some of our paintings and Sara’s description of the event.

This is just the beginning, there is more to come, This summer does get me wondering if I can change the name of the last three years from “The Terrible Awful” to something new…